1st Down

Remember those ups and downs I was talking about? Well today was a down day. Why? Why? Why? I’ve felt so alive the past two days. I did it again, I fixated on the stupidest reason to pick a fight. How could I be feeling so great, having a good time with the guy I’m into, then BAM!!!! I hear something that made me insecure, and I feel this panic rush go through my body, and the argument starts. (My fault) again. The words come outta my mouth, my brain not registering what I’m saying, until he replies. Then I start panicking more because I know I’m ruining this. And I can’t shut up. I mean my point was valid but I definitely went to the extreme. Who would want to be with someone like me. Someone that can’t handle her anger, someone missrable now because life has chewed her up and spit her out. Now she’s destroyed. Completely empty clinching to the hope of one day having someone really love her. And want only her. Someone WANT to make her as happy as she’s trying to make him.
Now, back to me… lol
I wanna be the perfect girlfriend. I try. I Do everything a woman should. But when I don’t feel loved or even liked, my emotions tend to take over, I get insecure, i may take thing outta context or let jealousy take hold. Which I never thought I was a jealous being. But it hard not to be when I know I’m not his top choice. And that he’d rather be with someone else. I get mad bc I feel like I’m wasting my love on someone Not willing to love back. It makes me angry. I’m so tired of being the used one. The one that crus at night. The alone one. The one that reaches out to complete strangers through a blog because the person down stairs doesn’t care. #sorryforthehorriblegrammar 

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