I’m in control! For now.. oops that’s my pessimistic side. So things are seeming to get better. I’m not nit picking or fixating on stupid stuff. Granted I am trying really hard to let things roll of my back. So I’m not sure if it’s the Prozac or if talking my self down is the culprit. Either way I’m enjoying life. I haven’t cried in a few days. “Gonna be optimistic!”
So glad he was to drunk to remember our fight last night
Remember those ups and downs I was talking about? Well today was a down day. Why? Why? Why? I’ve felt so alive the past two days. I did it again, I fixated on the stupidest reason to pick a fight. How could I be feeling so great, having a good time with the guy I’m into, then BAM!!!! I hear something that made me insecure, and I feel this panic rush go through my body, and the argument starts. (My fault) again. The words come outta my mouth, my brain not registering what I’m saying, until he replies. Then I start panicking more because I know I’m ruining this. And I can’t shut up. I mean my point was valid but I definitely went to the extreme. Who would want to be with someone like me. Someone that can’t handle her anger, someone missrable now because life has chewed her up and spit her out. Now she’s destroyed. Completely empty clinching to the hope of one day having someone really love her. And want only her. Someone WANT to make her as happy as she’s trying to make him.
Now, back to me… lol
I wanna be the perfect girlfriend. I try. I Do everything a woman should. But when I don’t feel loved or even liked, my emotions tend to take over, I get insecure, i may take thing outta context or let jealousy take hold. Which I never thought I was a jealous being. But it hard not to be when I know I’m not his top choice. And that he’d rather be with someone else. I get mad bc I feel like I’m wasting my love on someone Not willing to love back. It makes me angry. I’m so tired of being the used one. The one that crus at night. The alone one. The one that reaches out to complete strangers through a blog because the person down stairs doesn’t care. #sorryforthehorriblegrammar
It’s me Heather.
Names Heather, hitting 30 soon and dreading it. Almost at year three as a single mom; feeling as if my postpartum depression is still lurking around. After 3 years, and two boyfriends, I now know that my depressive state has been very damaging to both family and personal relationships. I started taking Prozac yesterday hoping things will start looking up. I’m on day two outta the 6-8weeks it takes to start showing improvement; the sudden optimism of having help is overwhelming. Yesterday just hours after popping my first pill I started feeling relief. Now I know deep down that there’s no way in hell that pills started that fast, but I felt great. No over thinking, no analyzing everything my BF said. No feeling of worthlessness, it was great as I felt a smile come across my face. Smiling gave me an idea! If I feel like this, others should two! So I thought I’d share my story, as I battle this war. This “war” I speak of is the constant hampered wheel turning in my brain, horrible thoughts, like “I’m not loved” or “why me” , the repetitive explosion of emotions raing down of loved ones around me. #MyPoorDad. This morning I woke up before my alarm, in a great mood, not ready bitch at the BF for some dumb reason. I had no anger! No sadness! Last night was great too, I normally lay in bed for hours agonizing about my day or tomorrow. Thinking about all the bad moments just to become to emotional to sleep.. but NO WAY JOSE! I felt my self drifting about 15 in, I swear I remember thinking. Did I just doze off already, my eyes felt very heavy, and BAM! I was out! I’m sure I’ll have tons of ups and down through my recovery period, but With this blog I hope to inspire someone suffering to get the help they need like I did. Who knows my view my change by the end, but here goes!